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Life of Just Another

Sorry, guys, ramble time.

Sometimes I wish that I weren’t me. I don’t really have friends. I have people that I talk to, sure. People that I help with homework, people I joke with, even people I spend time with in class and in Moulton. But these people aren’t my friends. When they invite me over for “baking parties”, I respectfully decline. Not because I don’t like them, I just don’t want to spend time with people. I don’t want to be with people, but at the same time, I’m lonely. It really just makes no sense. It’s almost as if I’m too lonely to be with people.

I love being able to go for days without anyone saying a word to me, but at the same time I wish they would. I’d like to think that if I just packed up and left for a week, someone would notice. But would they? 

I’m being 100% honest when I say that if I thought my car could take it, I would get in and drive. Like that one night. But this time I wouldn’t stop. I would get on I-80 and just drive west. I can afford it. I’ve done the research, I know where it’s safe to stop and sleep, and places I can shower along the way. We had a plan a few summers ago, my sister and I. We never got to it, and now she’s engaged and we’ll never do anything fun together again.

Is this what my life is meant to be? Studying, doing homework, writing essays, getting internships, doing research… those last few things excite me, but it’s not what I want in life. I don’t want to be a physicist who analyzes the world around her in gory detail, but I don’t want to be a suburban mom who goes to church every Sunday either. I don’t know what I want. I just don’t. 

Five years ago, I went through such a state of depression that I could hardly function. I skipped school, I didn’t do homework, I missed softball games, I don’t really know how to describe it to anyone, myself included. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t cry more than usual, or randomly scream at people. I just… I couldn’t do anything. It incapacitated me. I remember thinking it would never leave. Even after all of the therapy sessions and the countless parental speeches, I figured I would just always be like that. I’m glad to say that I’m not. I’m not like that anymore. But I’ve always been scared, because I know that if I became depressed again, I couldn’t BS my way through it like I did in high school. I’d need to leave school. It’s not an emotional thing. It’s not something you can fix by just “thinking on the bright side”. It takes you over. It’s no less real than a broken arm or a chipped tooth. 

I guess that’s the end of my ramblings for the night. Blah blah blabbity blah.

When I started dating him, I went against everyone else’s advice because I believed that having loved and lost hurt less than having never loved at all. What a lie that was.

EVERYONE SHUT UP PLEASE THANK YOU.

So thankful for the girls in my life. I have such great friends. <3

Yeah, pretty much this.

Yeah, pretty much this.

visualizingmath:

Mathematics is everywhere…and for those of you who hate math, it’s in your home. The images above are just a few examples.
Inspired by this submission.

visualizingmath:

Mathematics is everywhere…and for those of you who hate math, it’s in your home. The images above are just a few examples.

Inspired by this submission.

My friends are all going insane, holy crap.

My boyfriend brought me pancakes when I was sick this morning ♥

He’s great :) ♥♥♥

I’ll never be good enough. I know everyone feels this way, but that doesn’t mean it’s any easier. I’ll never be pretty enough for him. And I’m reminded of that constantly, especially when he asks “why don’t you look like her?” I’ll never be smart enough - I’ll always be his herpy-derp girlfriend. I’ll always cry too much, be too attached, or something.

I’ll never be the person that does the best on tests, or can smile the prettiest, or sing the greatest, or even be a little bit social. I’ll always be the awkward girl in the corner of 213 who is never really all that happy and doesn’t like to be around people.

zaynessed:

ambrosya:

the truth of this is just mindblowing

Omg.I got goosebumps.

zaynessed:

ambrosya:

the truth of this is just mindblowing

Omg.
I got goosebumps.

kenfucky:

new law: if theres someone you want to cuddle with but they are far away the government has to fly you there for free

I hate being stuck in this balance of knowing that I don’t have much time left with him. Sometimes, it’s like “We only have a year before you leave, we need to spend every hour of every day together.” And sometimes it’s like “You’re leaving me anyway, just get out already.”

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