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Life of Just Another

I guess this is a conversation that should’ve happened two years ago, sigh.

:’(

"The foolishness of God is wiser than men, and the weakness of God is stronger than men."

I used to be 110% committed to God. My whole life was focused on that, and it defined me. I’m not sure what happened. I know I got lazy. I hated the Christian bubble. Still do. Looking back, something was always wrong. I was usually sad about something or felt like the world was out to get me. So I stopped. To me, the Christian world is an emotional one, based on feelings. The world of Jesus was different. Authentic. But I gave it up.

And I put my value in something else. Education. I wanted to be smart. That lasted for about a week in college, when I realized that intelligence wasn’t really something I was gifted with. Had, yes, but not in excess.

So I put my identity in a relationship. One with a poor foundation, at that. I’ve never cried so much as during the past two years, but I’ve never laughed so much either. I was happy for the most part. And then he moved.

Now what? I have nothing. I can’t stand my family, I don’t really have any friends… I just don’t know.

Seriously, like is EVERYONE getting married?

Funny how when I went to PCS, I pretty much hated it. Now I kind of miss it. Well… Certain parts ;)

People keep telling me that we should break it off, that being long-distance will make us miserable. And it will.

Just the thought of breaking up, though, makes me dissolve in tears. I can’t even…

I have so many reasons to be happy, and one reason to be sad. Why does that one reason overwhelm all the others?

I got a full-ride scholarship until I graduate.

My boyfriend leaves in one month.

I’m a successful student, and my future looks promising.

What if he finds another girl?

I have an internship at the lab of my dreams this summer.

I won’t be able to see him for six months at a time for the next 10 years.

I get to watch my sister get married in a little more than a week.

What if he decides he doesn’t want to date me anymore?

I finally get to live on my own.

What if I just have to watch our relationship fade into nothing?

I changed one of my majors, and couldn’t be happier.

What if he just forgets about me?

Bitch.

I swear I’m way more bitter than I used to be =(

imathematicus:

GIVEAWAY:

Just reblog to enter to win. I will pick a winner on Jan 27 (because 127 is prime - and 271 is prime for those that write dd/mm). 

"The Magic Cube is a redesign of the familiar Rubik’s cube. Unlike the traditional Rubik’s Cube, the faces are the same color and are inscribed with numerals, each forming part of a number series that holds historic significance. It is precision engineered and can be fabricated from a variety of different materials including wood, plastic and metal. More than just an intriguing puzzle; the Magic Cube is also intended to stimulate interest in fundamental concepts of number theory, serve as a beautiful accessory, or a tactile device to hone your logic skills.”

The six number series include:

  • Triangle Series
  • Prime Number Series
  • Digits of Pi
  • Magic Square
  • Fibonacci Series
  • Digits of E



Finding a strange, not so appropriate GIF on Imgur and sending the link to your sister instead of your friend D=

Sorry, guys, ramble time.

Sometimes I wish that I weren’t me. I don’t really have friends. I have people that I talk to, sure. People that I help with homework, people I joke with, even people I spend time with in class and in Moulton. But these people aren’t my friends. When they invite me over for “baking parties”, I respectfully decline. Not because I don’t like them, I just don’t want to spend time with people. I don’t want to be with people, but at the same time, I’m lonely. It really just makes no sense. It’s almost as if I’m too lonely to be with people.

I love being able to go for days without anyone saying a word to me, but at the same time I wish they would. I’d like to think that if I just packed up and left for a week, someone would notice. But would they? 

I’m being 100% honest when I say that if I thought my car could take it, I would get in and drive. Like that one night. But this time I wouldn’t stop. I would get on I-80 and just drive west. I can afford it. I’ve done the research, I know where it’s safe to stop and sleep, and places I can shower along the way. We had a plan a few summers ago, my sister and I. We never got to it, and now she’s engaged and we’ll never do anything fun together again.

Is this what my life is meant to be? Studying, doing homework, writing essays, getting internships, doing research… those last few things excite me, but it’s not what I want in life. I don’t want to be a physicist who analyzes the world around her in gory detail, but I don’t want to be a suburban mom who goes to church every Sunday either. I don’t know what I want. I just don’t. 

Five years ago, I went through such a state of depression that I could hardly function. I skipped school, I didn’t do homework, I missed softball games, I don’t really know how to describe it to anyone, myself included. I didn’t feel sad. I didn’t cry more than usual, or randomly scream at people. I just… I couldn’t do anything. It incapacitated me. I remember thinking it would never leave. Even after all of the therapy sessions and the countless parental speeches, I figured I would just always be like that. I’m glad to say that I’m not. I’m not like that anymore. But I’ve always been scared, because I know that if I became depressed again, I couldn’t BS my way through it like I did in high school. I’d need to leave school. It’s not an emotional thing. It’s not something you can fix by just “thinking on the bright side”. It takes you over. It’s no less real than a broken arm or a chipped tooth. 

I guess that’s the end of my ramblings for the night. Blah blah blabbity blah.

When I started dating him, I went against everyone else’s advice because I believed that having loved and lost hurt less than having never loved at all. What a lie that was.

EVERYONE SHUT UP PLEASE THANK YOU.

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